Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess
of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs...
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Wicked!
Piss off!
What sounds on Earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon - me included -
is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented...
To calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes...
You sit on our head,
but... you pay the taxes.
CHEERING
Imagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer, eh?
Eh!
Make poverty history. Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history! Cheaper drugs now!
CHUCKLES
Scatter! Party!
(Debbie) 'I have a dream.
'Free scran.
'I have a dream that families won't have to scrimp or scrape
'to put food on the table.
'I have a dream that chickens will roam the estate and provide for it,
'that we'll take back our land so we can grow spuds.
'I have a dream to feed Chatsworth egg and chips.
'I do have another dream, but that'd be telling.'
Make that the last batch.
We've gotta get out there and push our boy.
(Monica) Excuse me!
Volume control! Some of us are trying to rest.
Go knock on for Chesney - tell him he needs to practise his speech.
(Monica) What's going on?
- Leave. They're for the voters. - Oh, beg your pardon!
- Chatsworth's getting a mayor. - A young mayor,
elected for the kids by the kids.
- Yeah? - Is Chesney in?
Debbie wants to know if you're coming canvassing.
Later. I've got stuff to do first.
Oi! You'll go blind.
So Debs, why aren't you running?
Sarah Berry.
I can't compete with them. But Chesney can.
CHUCKLING
So what's Chesney got going for him?
Long and wide.
Chesney is the perfect candidate.
He's smart, cute, clean-cut and he's got something to say for himself.
Asian, male...
Right. But I thought candidates had to be charismatic.
Chesney can do charisma. Come to the hustings, yeah?
He's gonna knock everyone off the podium.
Oh, yeah. Big time.
THEY LAUGH
Count. One...
Two...
Three.
There you go, pal. Go straight home, yeah?
Ah, look at you!
Look at Chesney! How did you get him to smile?
Photoshop. Is he around, Yvonne?
He's at school, in't he?
We're not in school cos of the election.
Bollocks! Meena!
It's 429...
and it's Karib. Yvonne Karib.
I'll be back in ten.
- Hold the fort. - But I need to find Chesney.
- Hustings start in an hour! - Yeah, yeah.
...Where you going, love.
(Chesney) Kiss my arse.
What's with the outfit, Chesney?
Just trying to hide a few pounds.
Of what? Explosives?
We're not all terrorists, Debbie. It's research.
A politician needs to know his people, right?
You get an insight after a day wearing the veil.
Have you learned your speech? You're on in ten.
Sort of. I thought we'd wing it.
Chesney, you cannot wing it. It's too important.
Why d'you want this so much anyway?
It costs 62 quid a week to feed our lot.
If we grew our own spuds, we could cut that in half.
And I don't trust anyone else to do anything good with that ten grand.
Relax, I've got a plan.
It's gonna be wicked, trust me.
This is big league now. Big league. Moving up from here, pal.
CHEERING
Norfolk In Chance, 14 points.
CHEERING
'Bunty's Army, 13 points.'
Real Ale Madrid, 12 points.
CHEERING
Quiz Team Aguilera,
10 points.
And last and least, taking part
today and keeping the peace, it's the Three Musketeers.
You're so shit it's unbelievable You're so shit it's unbelievable...
Carrie, relax. Think how you're gonna spend all this overtime.
The picture round...
(Tom) Excellent. Who's got the sheet?
(Frank) 'Hello. Hello? Hello?
'AII units,'
from base -
naked man seen hanging around Immaculate Heart Cemetery.
Like they've not heard that one?!
On our way.
SIREN BLARES
Naked male hanging round the cemetery. Jesus Christ!
Jesus Christ! I knew putting that radio in the john...
(Tom) Watch out!
SCREAMING
- Oh, God! - Oh, Jesus!
Ambulance, call it in.
Stan. Stan! We hit somebody.
Hello. Can you hear me?
Can you hear me? Everything's gonna be all right. Hello, can you hear me?
Oh, shit. This is bad!
190 to base, ambulance, please. Meacham Road?
- Yeah. - Ambulance, Meacham Road.
Keep still. It won't be long. She's breathing.
- There's an ambulance... - God, Stan... She's alive, she's conscious.
Carrie's talking to her, OK?
I believe that children are our future.
When I'm young mayor, I'm gonna make big changes.
APPLAUSE
SPEAKS IN DIALECT
Yey!
(Man) Fuck off, you Nazi!
CHEERING AND WHOOPING
Chatsworth is one of the poorest, jam-packed estates in Manchester.
Most of us get by on shit school dinners
and cheap processed food, cos that's all we can afford.
I'm gonna change that.
Well, I'm gonna change that.
I'm gonna reclaim land for us, our own corner of Chatsworth
where we can grow spuds and rear hens.
Every backyard's gonna get its own patch of soil, and a hen.
You what?! You can't promise that!
Step into your micro farm. The land will provide.
Egg and chips. You can have egg and chips whenever you want.
Vote with your bellies, yeah? Vote Chesney!
CHEERING
Stuff egg and chips, yeah?
Feast your eyes on these policies.
CHEERING
SIREN BLARES
I didn't signal, check the mirrors... Too much chat.
I was only in first. Hit the breaks, swerve, anything.
- Stan, she came out of nowhere. - She didn't. I didn't see her.
It was an accident, Stan. It's all right.
No, it wasn't.
I shouldn't be driving. I need glasses.
Oh, if this gets investigated, it'll all come out. I'll lose my job.
It was flagged up in my medical.
If I wanted to be a bizzy, I had to wear specs.
You violated your medical report?!
I don't wanna know about this.
Stupid sod! I could have killed her.
An old woman could have died cos I'm too proud.
Hi, babe. Chesney Karib. What's up?
I've got a job for your crew.
Oh, just leaning on some undecided voters.
No, egg and chips was only ever a smokescreen, man.
I've got some big plans with that money.
I'm proud to announce
that your new young mayor is...
(Men chant) Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah,
Sarah, Sarah
Sarah, Sarah...
Chesney Karib.
CHEERING
Woo-hoo!
Brilliant, Debs. It's tits everywhere!
Chesney!
Debbie, what d'you reckon?
Yeah, great. What you doing?
- Building a beach. - A beach?
- Kids need somewhere to hang, right? - Yeah, but...
Nobody here gets to go on holiday. So, two birds, one stone.
Mountain to Muhammad.
How you gonna pay for it?
- Out the budget. - Chesney, that's our budget!
This is all down to you.
You approached me. You inspired me.
I feel like we can do anything.
Really?
Too right. The chemistry here!
What you waiting for?
All right, girls?
Thanks for your votes.
TINNY MUSIC PLAYS
Oi!
Oh, and beg us some snacks for waste chick here.
Snacks? Cigs?
She's wanting a five-pounder. Easy birth, innit?
Er, what ya doing?
I'm trying to count, which is pretty difficult with that racket!
Oh! Low it! Chill your beans!
This is payback, yeah.
Me man Chesney say it's on the house and you is cool with it.
If you've done Chesney a favour, you can have crisps and pop.
This house don't do free beer.
That's whack, man.
Chanelle, yeah?
Chanelle Kay?
What would your Pam say
if she knew that you were in here talking like that to me?
I used to baby-sit you.
I used to wipe your arse.
So I will have no problem kicking it, unless you piss off!
Stan? Can you see me here?
Yes.
Here?
Are you being real? You think this is funny?
Grow a brain!
Come on, Stan. He's only trying to cheer you up.
No-one died.
Oh, right! That's our benchmark now?
No-one died. That makes it OK?
I'm giving in my notice.
What?!
If I don't come clean and it gets out I ignored medical advice, me life's over.
I've got no choice.
Well, he shouldn't have be driving. He was criminally negligent.
I'll say I hit her.
I'll take the mark on my file.
I'll do a refresher course on the Highway Code.
We were in the van. You're not allowed to drive it.
Shit.
Shit!
You are, though.
No chance. No!
Why should I take the rap for it?
- Because you're the only one who can. - No.
The times he's covered for us! Come on!
What's the musketeer motto?
"I'm all for looking after myself"?
You know, I still haven't given my account of that incident in custody last week,
when you rubbed your man's face in his own dirty protest.
Serious breach of his civil rights.
- Come here, you! - Aaaahh!
If you squash 'em, they'll spread eggs.
Next thing, you're infested.
- Aaaahhh! - Shut up!
No!
Half a dozen fags and a packet of the lager and lime, ta.
Shift! New laws, adults allowed.
(Girl) What?!
Come on, girls.
I put him in't bin.
Cockroach.
I weren't sure where they hang out, so I just thought cockroach,
filthy,
bin.
If anyone had the balls to drop the bomb,
cockroaches would be all that's left.
It's the shell.
Shields them from radiation.
How d'you know all that?
I've lived in some holes.
Known the odd pest-controller.
Right!
Back to work, then.
Shane.
Kelly.
Are you busy later?
I never stop, love.
Why? Fancy buying us a drink?
- Yeah, if you're... - I'm sure I can slip you in!
Hey, knobhead! Watch where the sand's going!
No!
Oi, little man! What you doing?
Stop it!
Oi, you little... I will rip your...
What? You gonna give us a slap?
You think you're a big girl now, yeah?
Think you can take me on?
Move!
Right...
Bring back the beer and, this once, I'll let it go.
Oh!
You butts on this. What happened?
You was a pretty girl.
Romeo, blood. You can stop now.
SIREN
You're off the hook.
Just told the sarge that I bumped the old dear, and he bought it.
Carrie, I don't know what to say.
Try saying some prayers,
cos if I don't pass this remedial driving test,
you'll be owing me in the next life, not just this one... mate!
- Wasn't this a kids' beach once? - OK, they weren't in the plan.
But this place can only benefit from having adults around.
Hey! Can I take a picture?
Sure.
Just want you to look your best.
Thanks.
(Mandy) It can be hard work, eh? Pulling.
Who's pulling? Just thought I'd make an effort.
Right.
Shame, though, looking like that.
God, yeah! You'd clean up, girl!
(Debbie) How do you know if a lad's, like, genuinely into ya?
He's not just telling you stuff that you want to hear?
- Make a move. - You'll know soon enough.
Right.
Debbie, if he doesn't realise how lucky he is, he's not worth it.
Yeah.
Sex on the beach?
How about a punch?
- Find me. - Mm-hm.
- I think I'm in there, Karen. - Yeah?
Mm.
It's not gonna be cheap, mind.
She's a bit old-fashioned about putting her hand in her pocket.
But not about sticking it in yours!
Funny, that!
Mm-hm.
You're all a mystery to me.
One of those, please, love.
LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
(Karen) Want crisps with that?
Your rent is extortionate!
You're the only licensed franchiser
in what's gonna be the number one tourist attraction in town.
D'you want in on the ground floor?
LAUGHS
You're all right.
Your hand's shaking!
First time?
You what?
No!
I'm a man of the world, me, love.
Right.
Lillian! Found a friend!
Oh, hiya, Shane, love!
I'm just gonna slip into something more comfy.
Talk to t'gaffer.
OK.
Why?
You're a whore?!
A fuckin' prossie!
What's Lillian been saying?
Of course I'm a working girl! Are you telling me you didn't know?
Sorry, Kelly, love. Shall I fetch Leroy?
It's OK.
You think I'm stupid. Soft Shane - runt of the litter!
Shane, I don't!
Tiny bit naive maybe.
I just... I thought when we were at t'beach, it were good.
It were.
Just... a girl's gotta earn.
How much?
50!
You can pay with cash, card, giro, luncheon vouchers...
Right.
OK.
Right.
15.
Please don't ask for credit, as a refusal may cause offence.
I'll get it. I'll get it.
Just, erm...
Here y'are.
Hold that thought, yeah?
Anybody waiting?
Because my lonely heart would bleed
I never learned how to hold love
And stay strong to love
Now I close my eyes now
And I'm dreamin' right where I belong...
SCREAMING
You think you're a big girl now, yeah?
Come on! Jump up and get down!
Come on, Debbie, dance with me!
You should be taking it easy!
Knock it off! I have juice.
Hey, it's like Corfu all over again, in't it?
Disco, ouzo,
dancing till the sun comes up.
Monica, it was Lesbos.
It was a pebbled beach, and it rained every day!
Woo!
I'm a dreamer...
Norma, that is why. Dreamer! Killjoy!
Debbie.
Look, this is all down to her. Her and her little friend.
It wasn't. He's not my little friend either.
Go and get a seat.
All right, but don't I have to pay Chesney?
No, you do not!
Over there.
Shane!
What you doing?
What?
Er, doing?
What the fuck does it look like?!
The man's burnt his back! Bastard global warming!
- Mate, can you sub us some cash? - What for?
What's it matter what for? You know I'm good for it.
One'll do.
Cheers, bruv. Lifesaver.
MAN GROANS
Sorry, her punter's tantric. Are you sure you don't want to?
No.
Oi!
Dreamer boy!
Here! Now!
LAUGHING
I can do this in front of them!
First day in and you're already bent.
Whatever's left! I'm not letting you feather your nest.
Easy, Debbie.
No! Easy is how you've had it so far!
So you give donations to that granny!
What granny? Who? Mrs Syad?
We're hiring her paddling pool.
Whatever. From now on, we spend that money on what we said.
Clear off! You're like a wife, on my back, nipping my head!
- We made a deal! - No.
You had plans, and I encouraged you at every stage,
I thought you'd get me the robes. But you couldn't even do that!
What?! Shut up!
I worked my arse off to get you in there. I did that!
Did you fuck! I rigged the vote! You think free scran swung it?
I hired some muscle to make kids vote for me.
Just give me what I'm owed, yeah?
Piss off! I owe you jack.
You're not getting your hens, your chips, or me!
Yeah, I know. You're so obvious, it's untrue.
Now leave me alone! Stalker!
ROWD Y CROWD OUTSIDE KNOCKING AT DOOR
All right, I'm coming! Who is it?
< Stan.
Locked yourself in, eh? Those girls must have really got to you.
What can I get you, Stan?
Something to knock me out tonight, please.
Liquor, pills or porn?
Pharmaceuticals usually do it.
Oh...
Oh, no, it's OK.
No, it's all right. I know what it's like.
Couple of these and you'll be...
BANG AT DOOR
(Woman) I'm still waiting, Yvonne. >
Let me have another word, eh?
< (Woman) Don't shit yourself. What you afraid of?
It's not your problem.
Well, give me a shout if...
Night, Stan.
Night.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
MONICA GROANS
Here.
Oh... Oh... I'm fine.
It's just a little bit of morning sickness.
Oh, aye(!)
(lan) Come on, then.
Kill or cure.
Good one, was it?
Awesome.
Where's the girl you've got to thank for it?
Debbie? Debbie?
KNOCK AT DOOR
lan!
I can smell him.
(lan) Stare him out, Debs. (Go on. Get in there.)
Yeah, I know. I got played.
I'm sorry.
Debbie!
Come on, this isn't you.
I hide away and feel sorry for meself.
Eh? Me. Hey, you've not got a can under there, have you?
Cos that is a slippery slope...
OK.
OK, you didn't realise that Chesney was a bastard.
You got too close and your little heart's in bits.
Shut up. I don't fancy Chesney.
Not now. Back-stabbing user.
All right, well, if you're not gonna fight for him, the best way
to get over that man is to show him.
Life goes on. You had a dream.
Egg and chips, feed the world. Come on, make it happen!
How can I? He's blown my budget.
So? You're the queen of getting by on the cheap.
You are a doer,
Debbie, not a...
can't... er.
OK.
You're upset.
It's hard.
I know.
SIGHS
Debbie?
Extra shot?
No. Slept like a baby last night.
Carrie? What is it?
She's paralysed. The old woman.
Wheelchair for the rest of her life.
(Tom) Poor woman. That's terrible.
It gets worse. The family are taking legal action against me.
I've been suspended!
This changes things. You've got to tell the sarge.
I'm not gonna lose my warrant card because of you, you blind idiot!
Hey, let's keep our voices down and think about this, OK?
No, she's right. I have to bite the bullet.
Wait! Stan... If you come clean about this now,
you'll both be in the shit.
It'll look like a conspiracy to cover up. You'll both be sacked.
I'm so sorry. You're a real mate.
Don't think I did this out of friendship.
I only covered for you because D'Artagnan blackmailed me.
Sorry, girls. Not today.
Feeling it.
The girl got game.
Not my game.
(Norma) Yvonne?
Stay out of it, Norma.
Fill it, and we'll be gone.
Not a chance.
You want me to funeral ya? Fill it, or we mash you up.
You? You couldn't mash a potato.
Tell Bottom to jam the hype.
Will you listen to yourself? You're all talk.
Makes fuck all sense to me.
Oh, I ain't no cork, blumper.
Oh!
Sweetheart, you're white. Know what you're facing, yeah?
GIRLS GASP
Whoa. Oh, man, your mates are proper cacking it. Ready to gan.
SQUEALS
Well, hurry home, before I tan your arse! Sewer rat!
That's all, thanks.
The best night of my life.
God, yeah.
I mean, um, yeah, I can imagine,
Kelly being a professional shag and that.
No. Sex were good, but...
we had, like, a... a moment, you know?
I think she could be like girlfriend material.
Have you heard soft lad here taking his turn to tom?
Shane, it's her job to give punters the best night ever,
so you go back for more.
Yeah, I know.
But this was different.
Oh! Oh!
Oh! Oh yeah, yeah, YEAH!
Women like her fake that shit to make you feel better.
It's all pretend. Part of the game.
No. Stuff you and your game.
There's some things, Jamie, that you cannot fake.
Kelly's into me. You'll see.
Joe 90, specky Stan...
got crucified in those National Healths.
No way was I putting up with that other job. Cops are worse than kids.
I were minus six, both eyes. I had 'em lasered on honeymoon.
Kash booked us on one of these Greek cosmetic surgery cruises.
So I know what it's like.
Before and after.
And after is miles better.
Maybe that's how I should spend my overtime fund.
Just get some decent specs.
We could get you a makeover! Yeah!
I don't want to put you out.
No, you won't be. I'll get you to baby-sit for me some time.
(Radio) 'Stan, there's a criminal damage in progress
'just round the corner. I said we'll deal.'
Received, mate. Two seconds.
Put that spade down.
I'm arresting you for defacing council property.
What? You can't nick me for this.
- Ladies. - Tom, cuff her.
Is there a problem?
It's criminal damage.
How is planting spuds criminal?
This strip of grass was perfect before your intervention.
Now it needs repairing, right?
Tom, why don't you and Debbie see if you can sort this, eh?
Carrie.
- Your radio. - I don't know what you're talking about.
How else would you know about this? Carrie, you're not on duty.
Yeah, and why is that, eh? It isn't fair. I don't deserve this.
What's her problem?
All I want to do is my job, that's all, that's all. Don't you dare!
Look, if you just put it back how it was,
we won't take any further action, OK?
Whatever! Only a day's work!
Oh, you bastard!
What's up?
Me leg.
Will you stretch it?
I've been seizing up all day.
You made me use muscles I never knew I had.
Aren't you sore?
No, I'm pretty limber, me.
You need to be to get through all the kitchen windows, don't you?
So, er... maybe I should keep moving.
Oh, aye? So you did like it, then? You weren't just giving me patter?
God, no! That never happens on a trick, ever.
Normally switch off.
If we're not doing it, though, mind if I head back?
No, no. We can go.
Finish your chips. I'll take a cab out of me fee.
For this, our date.
This were a proper date.
I was hanging out to see if... see if there was something...
Shane, this is always work.
You pay for sex or company.
I don't want to spoil what we have.
Well, don't put me on a meter, then.
I don't care what you do, Kelly. I like you.
Oh...!
It's Lillian. She's the problem.
Takes such a chunk out of me wages.
I'm virtually a slave to her.
Oh, you don't need to hear this.
How big a chunk?
Kelly?
What?
Look at his arm, Debbie.
Katie's covered in 'em.
Your beach is builders' sand.
Untreated, full of bugs.
You minding other stuff, yeah?
Environmental Health will shut it down, Debs.
That councillor's looking for you and Chesney.
He's not the only one.
You need to keep your head down.
She needs to do something.
Carl! I'm sure you can't make your sister feel any worse.
Why is everyone having a go at me? Stop having a go!
Debbie, love.
Listen, we all make mistakes.
Even the best of us. There's no need for any shame here.
You're with family.
He's a dead man.
Shane!
What are you two doing in here?
Out!
I want a word with me brother.
I have to free Kelly.
Lillian's got her trapped.
She can't see past doing tricks, Mickey.
If I could just... show her.
Yeah, that's right, Chesney.
Hide behind your veil, coward.
Leave me to take the crap from your filthy beach.
Don't make a scene. Not here.
Is everything OK?
Fine. Misunderstanding.
- Who's she? - I'll tell you later. Just go.
(Man) Debbie? >
Debbie, please. You don't know what this is. Just get out.
Where's Chesney Karim? Little bastard needs his arse kicking.
Yeah, get in line.
I sanctioned the beach, a clean, safe space for families, kids.
Unlicensed drinking, two ten-year-olds in casualty,
stomachs pumped,
adults exposing themselves, flea-ridden sand,
you running around the estate in drag.
You've caused a shit storm and spent your entire budget,
it's a PR disaster. The Mayor said you'd take the piss.
I defended you, I staked my career on this policy.
I'm going to get sent back to waste management.
I'm talking to you.
Don't touch me.
Don't walk off then.
You've pissed away public money, how are going to account for that?
I'm not, I'm just a kid, right?
Wrong. You're still Young Mayor,
if you can't justify your spending we've ways of claiming it back.
Let's go and see what your mum's got to say about her rates going up.
You've no idea.
Who's that man?
Where's he taking him?
- Is he coming back? - I doubt it.
SOBBING
What's wrong?
Why are you upset?
I know I will not see my sister in Pakistan before she...
What's all this got to do with Chesney?
Chesney was about to take test for me,
citizenship test to get British passport so that when I visit her
I can come back home.
Chesney was going to do that for you?
Bought my flight too.
You what? Was that the money he gave you at the beach?
Are you going to eat that?
Oh, my God! Look, it's a miracle.
No, it's a scam, the cheeky mare. Where's her wheelchair now, eh?
Quick, we need photos.
lf, if you do this, and show the sarge,
Carrie will get reinstated, right?
Yeah.
Well, do we really want that?
I mean, she was a bit harsh with you today
and she's like Robocop on the rag
when she puts on the uniform.
No, I can't, I owe her.
She took one for me. This way, we're quits.
I have so had enough.
Paralysis is nothing compared to what I'm going to do.
Let's quit while we're ahead, eh? We don't want to lose you.
We've only just got you back.
What do you say? All for one?
Just relax, Mr Waterman.
How does that look?
Oi, I'm losing the will to live here.
Stunning. Absolutely stunning.
< Oi!
Kelly!
Ta-da!
Shane, what are you doing?
I've come for you. Look.
(Man) At least let her finish me off. >
Where are you going to take me, eh?
Away from here. You don't belong to Lillian, you don't have to do this.
- You want to save me? - Yes.
Shane, this isn't Pet Rescue, I'm not a cockroach.
This is what I do, what I choose to do.
I just thought, if I showed you how special it could be with me...
SIGHING
It's dead sweet of you,
you're a nice guy and a great lay, but that's how it is.
It doesn't mean we have to stop.
I can't, I'm fuckin' brassic. Mickey wants 50 for driving us here.
How about we make this one free
as long as you block-book your next five? Sound fair?
I suppose.
What about...
One minute, literally.
Result.
APPLAUSE
That's sacrilege. Have you not done enough harm today?
Relax.
I took the test for you. Well, Mrs Rashida Syad.
You passed!
Yeah. It's harder than that Respect One Another module, though.
I don't know what to say.
That's a first. I don't get it though, what do you get out of it?
Credit upstairs. Every good deed means another hundred virgins in paradise.
That's why you never bagged me, Debbie, too many rivals.
Whatever, Chesney.
We're quits now, anyway. You lose, Chesney.
COCK CROWS
(Debbie) 'So, what came first, chicken or the egg?
'Power or corruption? Love or hate? '
LAUGHTER
'It does my head in.'
The skits - what?
Do you like it?
(Debbie) 'AII I know is this, if life is an omelette
'and you want to make it good... you've got to crack a few eggs.'
You not eating?
Who was Hogwarts' most famous pupil?
Oh, I know this!
(Carrie) Stanley Potter!
< Nice glasses!